My Long Sojourn in Internet-Free Lands

Technically I had internet at home, but between the slow dialup and fending off my siblings clamoring for their turns, I decided I had a good enough excuse not to blog (that, and the fact that my blog's title specifically mentions adventures in college). Hopefully my brain is enough awake to at least start to chronicle some of the things that have happened to me lately.

I'm going to breeze over Christmas break (Firefly episodes, reading fiction till 2am, Firefly Episodes, trip to the art museum, Firefly episodes. . .), but I can't resist at least mentioning my recent escapades in retail. As you may (or may not) know, I got a job, thanks to Lukas, as a seasonal cashier at Target (not that it was his idea to let me handle money). It's pretty funny/odd/different being introduced and having people's eyes widen when they realize "Oh, you're Lukas' sister!" Before all my siblings had to put up with being known as "Lee Anne's brother/sister." The tables have turned. Sigh. . .soon I'll come home, and their friends will go "We didn't even know you had an older sister!" But I digress.

Einstein once said that genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. I'm trying to think of some similar witty remark to cover retail, but it's not coming. I know the perspiration is in their somewhere. So are blood and tears (and I'm not kidding about the blood!) Hmm, Neither holidays, nor schedules, nor shoving people out of line will cause us speed up. . . Oh well. In honor of this lovely period of my life, I have come up with some Plastic Bag Awards to give to some very special customers.

Best Practical Joke
It's Target Policy to ask a guest if they need a gift receipt if it looks like it might apply to something in their purchase. Before the holidays, you pretty much just ask everybody. What's really funny is how predictable their reactions are. Everyone pauses for a second, and stares at their purchases as if they are trying to telepathically connect with the items ("Oh wise item from the planet of Mattel, you do desire that I should request a gift receipt for you?"). Most people make up their minds, and go back to being their brusque or painfully slow selves. But some people just think this situation is just too funny. Notably dads. First time this happened:
Me: Do you need a gift receipt for anything?
Customer: [long thoughtful glance at items] Maybe for the laundry detergent.
Then thee dad grins, elbows one of his kids (if they are with him) and laughs at his wittiness. First time, it was kind of funny. Second time it happened (with a completely different customer!) it was even funnier. They think that they are being so original, yet they all pick laundry detergent. I'm not kidding.

But the prize for best joke goes to one particular customer. I'm scanning the items, trying to be a "fast, fun, and friendly cashier" (read: impossible), I've said hi, then this dad just says "Umm, I was harassed by one of your employees, and you need to give me a 10% on my entire purchase." The next two seconds were filled with more thoughts than I've ever had at one time before: ohmygoshdoIcalltheheadcashiermaybehe'dliketoopenaTargetcardandsavetenpercentthatwayIknowIcangivediscountsonsingleitemsbutonawholeorderthisisgoingtomakethistranactionslowandgivemeabadratingWHATdidhejustsay?
Some of this complete confusion must have showed in my face (I hope my mouth wasn't open), for he look at me, slightly worried, and said "You know I was joking, right?" Rush of relief and quick drop of adrenaline. He kept looking worried, and apologized, and I think I managed at least a wan smile while assuring him that it was quite all right and really very funny. Afterwards, that is.


Oddest Combination of Items
(A man is checking out) A turquoise bra, a kid's baseball glove, and a household object. Yeah, that was surprising. Of course, after a few minutes he was joined by his wife and son, which went a long way towards explaining things, but STILL.

Craziest Request
It's always funny to see what people open in the store and then pay for. For example, a lady checking out with a HUGE (open) bag of M&Ms: "You may want to put those in a separate bag so they don't spill. My daughter would be so embarrassed [conspiratorial smile] but she's not here, and after all, sometimes you just have to have some chocolate. . ." Other crazy open items: Kleenex box (obvious, due to the girl blowing her running nose as she checked out) feminine products ("We had an accident") and the usual array of sodas. But the absolute craziest was when three twenty-something girls came to check out. They dumped their pile of items on the belt, then said:

Spokesgirl: Can you just ring up the tags? They're all here. I'm not sure if you can or not, but she's kind of wearing the items
Other Girl [pointing at third girl, our Target product model]: It's the shirt, and the bra, and the belt. . . Are you going to make her take them off?
Me[slightly floored]: That's okay, I can just ring up the tags.
Spokesgirl [huge smile] Thanks so much. I wasn't sure if you could do that.
Me: I'm not sure I can either; I'm new, but I will anyway.
Girls: [smiles and giggles]
me (to myself) was it really that funny?
"Bye," "Thanks," etc.
Definitely Unusual.