Uphill Both Ways

This past Monday I was brushing my teeth, when whoosh in a split second my life changed. Well, at least the life of my teeth did. My retainer slipped from my hands and vanished down the drain. Now maybe you will say that I could have gotten it back--possibly (I dunno, that drain is pretty long and deep) but even so the question remains: would I really want it back? It takes only one glance down that pipe to come up with a resounding No!
So I did what any normal person would do under the circumstances: I ran up and down the hallway screaming. Oh, wait, that's what I do when I see a bug--nevermind. What I actually did was call home. Which lead to the clarification of several facts:
1) My orthodontist no longer recognizes me as a patient
2) My parents are not thrilled at the prospect of driving up to get me & dragging me back to St. Louis for an expensive orthodontics appointment.
3) My teeth are impatient critters

All of which lead to one conclusion: I was on my own.

So, at the advice of my wise mentor (my mother), I pulled out the not-so-trusty phonebook and started my Quest for the Land of Orthodontia. Several ancient scrolls (mapquest) and magical seances (conducted via telephone) revealed that my quest would be most successful if I went to the laboratory of Doctor Jaynes, as it was the only portal to the Land of Orthodontia that my trusty tennis shoes could withstand (not to mention my not-so-magical wallet).

Early last Thor's day I set out in such timely manner so as not to be late to the conference of social wizards, aka sociology class. I followed the very bumpy and dangerous beige concrete path, dodging smoke-breathing dragons (cars) and evil wraiths (bikes). Frequent consultations with my wise but fragile map and use of my quick senses brought me to the portal with plenty of time to cross the threshold before the gates closed. I descended the stone steps, maneuvered through the labyrinth, and opened The Door. Here my bravery was tested: my senses were assaulted with the all too familiar sounds and smells of that infamous and torturous Chamber of the Braces. Pulling out my secret weapon, the reliable Crossword Puzzle, I controlled my cowardly impulses to flee and stood (well, sat) firm. There is no need to go into the daring feats I accomplished in the next half hour (mostly because there weren't any), but I emerged triumphant, having received the correct instructions of when to return next week after giving the guard a suitable bribe.
Wait--did I say return? That's not fair--no of the ancient heroes had to descend to Hades more than once! Dang! Maybe I should invest in a flying carpet. . .