Behind Every Great College There Is. . . Conspiriacy Report #1

[dramatic music playing] I recently discovered that my college has entered into contract with a shadowy organization that dictates principles of school life, restricts our freedoms, and subtly tries to indoctrinate the students. What is this organization? Is it a pact with the great Master of Lies himself? No. Is it bowing obeisance to a group of highly intelligent rats? Not that I know of (hmmm. . .I'll have to investigate that some more). Is it a devious plan to allow a totalitarian dictator to take over the world? Not really. It is [dramatic flourish] COKE!

Yes, believe it or not, Coca Cola governs what we drink at community meetings. How did I stumble upon this piece of pertinent information? I went to a community meeting for 4th and 5th floors, and some friends and I were talking to our PA afterwards (there was food--always helps encourage participation) when she said something along the lines of "I wish there were more choices of soda, but almost all of the coke products were out." Another girl laughed and said "Why didn't you just get some other kind of soda?" My PA replied, totally serious, "We're only allowed to buy coke products with community funds [in term of soda]." I think all of our jaws dropped open. Apparently Coke donates generously to residential life, and one of the terms is (of course) a monopoly of coke products.

I guess that would explain the lack of Dr. Pepper in the dining hall, and why campus is almost completely free of Pepsi products(you can still buy it at, say, Mizzoumart, but not in vending machines, or dining halls, or food courts, etc.). Personally, I'd much rather have Coke than Pepsi, but for people who prefer Pepsi it would be kind of horrible. So, the moral of this story is: Forget about asking all those questions on college visit of "What are classes like?" or "How's the technology on campus?" Just keep your eyes open around soda machines and whisper surreptitiously to your guide "So who are you really working for?" Because being stuck inn Pepsi land for four years would nbe most unpleasent.